Book Report
From: Lowell Hohstadt
Date: 2024-02-21
Book Title: The One Minute Apology
Author: Ken Blanchard, Margret McBride
Subject/Topic: Leadership
Short Summary (Author’s purpose):
“Few things are more powerful than having the common sense, wisdom, and strength to admit when you’ve made a mistake and to set things right.”
Relevance (Why I chose to read this book):
This is another book in the series of the “One Minute Manager.” Ken Blanchard’s unique story-telling style always makes learning the concepts he is teaching easily absorbed. This book is similar to others he has written, detailing how to make an effective apology.
Background Knowledge (Things I already knew about topic):
I understand the value of grace, forgiveness, and apologizing, but the author’s unique perspective on the subject was refreshing. He obviously has a Christian background, and revelation of the aforementioned topics from a Biblical foundation.
Main Points in this Book (key points):
- “The toughest part of apologizing is realizing and admitting that you were wrong…Done properly, the One Minute Apology is one of the most powerful things anyone can do to repair a situation…The real power of the One Minute Apology lies with actions, not words…In a One Minute Apology you admit you are wrong and you deal with the cause of the damage instead of the symptoms…It’s called the One Minute Apology because in most cases it can be said in a minute, even though it requires a good deal more preparation time…The time-consuming part comes in being completely honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your mistakes before you apologize.. Unless you do that – it will not be effective.”
- “Stop using phrases like should have, could have, would have, and if only. Those are ‘worry words.’ They make you feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and confused. They keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from taking your best course of action. They also keep you from being honest with yourself.”
- “The Failure of many leaders begins when they are unwilling to admit to themselves that they’ve done something wrong. It’s their job to accept responsibility for their actions…At the core of most problems is a truth you don’t want to face…Any problem you have spins out of control the minute you avoid dealing with the truth.”
- “When people attempt to disassociate themselves from the truth, or pretend ‘it never happened’ or that ‘it wasn’t my fault’ – they’re in denial…Those in denial have lost touch with the truth. They can’t apologize because they rationalize they’re not at fault. They can never admit they are wrong…They don’t realize that it’s the truth that will set them free…The truth is intolerant of deception…The truth doesn’t give people a lot of ‘wiggle room’ and for some, that can feel very uncomfortable – especially if you are living a lie.””
- “A One Minute Apology begins with surrender and ends with integrity…The surrendering process…has two important parts. The first is about you and coming to grips with what you did wrong. The second is making sure the person or persons you have harmed feel that you know you made a mistake. To surrender, you first let go of being right, and then confront the truth about your own failings by being one hundred percent honest with yourself. One minute of being honest with yourself is worth more than days, months, or years of self-deception. Once you are honest with yourself…then you must take full responsibility for your actions and the harm you’ve done to someone else. This requires both humility and courage…self-centered leaders take the credit when things go well and blame everyone else when things go wrong…When you surrender, you let go of the story you have told yourself, and realize you need to apologize to those you have offended, regardless of the outcome.
- “How do you make sure anyone you have harmed feels that you know you made a mistake?…First, you must feel it yourself. Then you take action as soon as possible. Remember, the longer you wait to apologize, the sooner your weakness is perceived as wickedness.”
- “Why is apologizing seen as a weakness?…It all comes down to a need many people have of always trying to look good and be right…The problem with trying to be right all the time is that usually someone else has to be wrong…What an exhausting way to live – trying to be right all the time…Apologizing isn’t just about you or me, it’s also about the person wronged…You have to be specific…and tell the people harmed exactly what you’re apologizing for…After you tell someone specifically what you did wrong, the last step is sharing how you feel about what you did – embarrassed, sad, ashamed. And that you feel bad enough to change your behavior. By doing so you make your apology real and demonstrate your sincerity.”
- “When all is said and done, the most important thing we have is our integrity…So when you surrender, you demonstrate your honesty…and integrity is all about ‘walking your talk.’…Your integrity is measured by how quickly you correct your mistakes and get back on course…The legacy you leave is the one you live.”
- “There is a big difference between an explanation of why something happened and an excuse. An explanation deals with the reasons why something happened, while an excuse tries to cover up who’s to blame and establish a reason to minimize accountability. You can always find an excuse for your poor behavior if you lie to yourself.”
- “When people realize the terrible harm they’ve done, often they are unable to forgive themselves…The concept of forgiving yourself sounds simple. But it’s not always easy to do…You have to deal with two facts: first you did something wrong to someone else that needs to be corrected. Second, you did something that is at odds with who you want to be, or how you want others to think of you. You ask yourself questions like, What did I do? And Why did I do it? Was it a random impulsive, thoughtless act? Was it in anger? Was it calculated? Is it becoming a pattern in my behavior? Am I better than my inconsiderate behavior?”
- “Making amends shows you are genuinely sincere about earning back lost trust…but you make amends only when you change your behavior and make up for what you did, and in a way the other person can appreciate…Without a change in your behavior, just saying ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough.”
- “Your apology should not be attached to the outcome or response you get – whether the people forgive you or not…Apologize not for the outcome but because you know you were wrong and it’s the right thing to do.”
- “Never apologize just to appease someone…Then you are only being dishonest with yourself…When there are conflicting views about the need for an apology, conflict resolution is the real issue. If you want to repair the relationship, you need to have a neutral mediator listen to each side and help them come to a workable solution.”
- “Peace of mind – isn’t it strange how something that doesn’t cost anything and is within our grasp at all times can often feel so far away?
- “If you lie to yourself, lying to others becomes second nature…trust doesn’t return until the person I’ve offended is convinced I have changed my behavior.”
- “Culpability is our part in the problem – or what we did to contribute to the situation.”
- “People with false pride don’t like to share their vulnerabilities…And people with self-doubt are afraid to admit they are wrong because they fear that others will find out how incompetent they are. In both cases, their self-appreciation is external – they think who they are is a function of their performance, plus the opinions of others…they think the world revolves around them. They lack humility. They don’t realize that: People with humility don’t think less of themselves. They just think about themselves less…When you think the love you get is conditional, your self-worth is always up for grabs. That’s when you start promoting or protection yourself all the time…At some point you wake up and finally understand you can’t achieve enough, gain enough recognition, obtain enough power, or own enough things to get any more love. You have all the love you need.”
- “When you show the courage to be honest with someone you care about, you show respect for yourself. You’re letting the other person know how you want to be treated. You are also letting that person know the importance of the relationship to you, and that you want the relationship to continue and flourish. When you honestly express your feelings with someone you care about you show respect for yourself and the relationship…If the other person doesn’t care enough about your relationship to make some amends after knowing he or she has hurt you, maybe the relationshi8p itself is in question..”
Connection (3 ways this new information connects to my growth):
- When I make a mistake, it is important to apologize quickly.
- Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is never enough, without demonstrating a change in behavior.
- When someone has wronged me, I have two options, 1) let the offense go and forgive the other person, or 2) discuss with the offending party specifically what they did that caused harm and express how it felt, and give that person a chance to offer an apology.
Application (2 ways I will incorporate what I have learned):
- I will be quick to apologize and make the necessary behavioral changes.
- I will strive to live honestly, and encourage others to do the same.