The following contains excerpts from the book, The 5 Essential People Skills (Dale Carnegie Training)
At our music school in Odessa, Texas we believe that music is more than sound, rather, it is relationships. Learning how to inter-relate with others is foundational to life, as well as the pursuit of studying music and the arts. Learning how to play in musical ensembles has deep immersive implications as to how we learn to deal with others, and can have life-changing benefits.
This book was primarily written from the standpoint of how to operate in a ‘workplace’ environment, and therefore is more from a ‘secular’ standpoint, but good leadership principles are shared, particularly in dealing with inter-personal relationships. As the authors wrote in their preface, quoting Dale Carnegie, “No matter what your line of work, even if it’s in one of the technical professions, your degree of success depends on your ability to interact effectively with other people.” The five essential people skills listed in the book are: 1) Rapport-building, 2) Curiosity, 3) Communication, 4) Ambition, and 5) Conflict resolution.
The prevailing thought throughout the book is what they termed ‘assertiveness’, which in a positive light might also be termed ‘pro-active’. “We’re referring to assertiveness: the ability to speak and act in ways that naturally cause people to respond attentively and positively. It is the basic core element that is at the center of each of the five essential people skills. If you’re not prepared to assert yourself in a positive and proactive manner, nothing else can possibly happen…to be treated fairly we must clearly, tactfully, and effectively express our preferences, needs, opinions, grievances, and other feelings. Nobody else should have to do this on our behalf…when you allow people or circumstances to dominate your legitimate needs, a loss of self-respect takes place. At first you may think that not trying to assert yourself is a choice, but eventually it can translate into a belief that you really don’t have any power.”
Techniques for developing assertive behavior include: 1) Summarize the facts of the situation, 2) Express your feelings, 3) Clearly state your wants and needs, including benefits to the other party. It is particularly important to control your body language by standing or sitting still and looking the other person in the eyes, when dealing with them in a situation requiring assertiveness. “While the words ‘I’m sorry’ might seem to apply, actually they do not. This is an expression of passivity, and you do not want to be in any way passive while trying to stand up for yourself.” Remember that “most people who try to belittle others neither expect resistance nor know what to do when confronted with it.”
We endeavor to build students us, at our music school in Odessa, Texas. We find ways to encourage them, finding their uniquenesses and tailoring our training to augment those individual strengths.
Assertiveness is important in processes such as a job interview. Carnegie once wrote, “Be prepared. Of all the interview tips we could possibly discuss, ‘preparation’ is the most important word and the most important part of the whole process…if you don’t know where you’re going, you will never get them. Before taking part in any interview, do some research so that you know some basic information about the person or persons you will be meeting. If you’re interviewing for a job, what kind of company will you be working for? What is its history? Who were its founders? What is its mission statement: How does that statement express itself in the company’s way of doing business in the real world? This information will provide you with a foundation to intelligently answer the questions that will come up during the actual interview session…every interviewer will want to see that you’re sure of yourself, and that your high confidence is a reflection of your true abilities.”
Some further winning tactics for a successful interview are as follows:
- Introduce yourself by clearly stating your name.
- Make direct eye contact with the interviewer. Get a pleasant expression on your face!
- Give a firm handshake- a little firmer than you thing it ought to be.
Avoid the following bad behaviors:
- Don’t slouch. Sitting up portrays confidence and energy.
- Keep still! Constantly moving your hands or feet will suggest nervousness
- Think before you speak. Make a conscious decision to wait before you answer a question. Even one second is helpful when trying to collect and organize your thoughts.
Following are questions that might come up in an interview:
- What experience do you have for the position?
- Besides your experience, what makes you an outstanding candidate?
- Where do you see yourself five years in the future?
- Why do you want to work for our company in particular?
- What specific skills can you bring to our company?
Even though it might not be immediately apparent, studying music and the arts can prepare individuals for interviews by teaching them poise and presentation skills as they learn to prepare for the stage. At our music school in Odessa, Texas we encourage students to learn these skills, which ultimately will benefit them throughout their lives.
In general, learning to be more assertive can lead to greater emotional freedom. No one should be subject to the domination, whims, and aggression of others. There is only one way to eliminate those restrictions, and that’s by being appropriately assertive with anyone who tries to dominate or stifle you, especially in business situations.”
Regarding interpersonal relationships and assertiveness, “It’s essential to understand the distinction between leadership and dominance. Real leadership is inclusive and proactive. It does not dominate nonassertive people. It includes them and it involves them. Dominance as a management style is ineffective in almost all circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant leader, and it fails completely to make effective use of what team members have to offer. Bullies are a specific type of dominant people. Deep down, they are very insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence.”
One of the greatest lessons we can teach students at our music school In Odessa, Texas is how to be individually responsible, learning personal discipline, while at the same time learning to work with, inspire and lead others. The two go hand in hand. As one develops personal strength, the encouragement extended towards others follows easily.
#1 Rapport-building
In the work-place, the goal should be developing rapport. “Developing a personal rapport will not only make business dealings more fun but can also serve as the foundation for mutually beneficial inter-actions.” Rapport is defined as: “and emotional bond or friendly relationship based on mutual liking and trust, and a sense that wants, needs, and concerts are mutually understood.” “it may surprise you to hear this, but as with other forms of assertive behavior, you should practice your smile…the amazing thing about smiling is the effect it will have on you as well as one anyone you meet…people like to be around happy and energetic people.”
In general, “The way people behave toward one another can be categorized in three ways: passive, aggressive, and assertive. If you ten dot act passively, then you may be seeking to avoid conflict, often at the expense of your own needs. If you tend to act aggressively, you may go to the other extreme and escalate conflict in an attempt (not always successful) to get your own needs met. Most people would agree it is best to avoid both these extremes, if you can, and act assertively- it’s best to express your own needs and wants, not hide them but to do so in a way that is reasonable and that allows others the opportunity to communicate their wishes and feelings too.”
Again, the experience of playing music in ensembles can have a direct and positive impact on how an individual learns to carry their own part, while being aware and appreciative of someone else’s contribution. At our music school in Odessa, Texas we place an emphasis on participation in ensembles.
In a business setting, there are four ways to building respect. First, maintain a busy schedule. Most successful and influential people are busy, well read, involved in several projects, have many contacts, and are always networking. Second, show that you’re a person of respect by placing yourself in important settings. Make an effort to attend a select number of high-profile events and functions. Third, make an effort to spend time in the company of successful and well-regarded people. Take a sincere interest in them, both on a personal and professional level, and learn as much as you can from them. Next, think carefully about your workspace and how it looks. It’s important to keep a neat office, not just for the sake of appearance but because it will actually help you get more done.”
Assertive rapport-building requires an understanding to how to deal with four difficult personality types: 1) The Ultra-driver, 2) The Secret agent, 3) The Eager Beaver, and 4) The Burnout
The ultra-driver sees life as a zero-sum game: for me to win, you have to lose. They function primarily with dominance and intimidation. You must realize that the ultra-driver’s behavior patterns are based on ego needs. Your main task is to find ways to service their ego needs. When you do, they will become surprisingly compliant. The hard part of dealing with the big ego of an ultra-driver is to keep your own ego needs out of the encounter.
The secret agent has many of the same ego needs as the ultra-driver but is much less obvious about it. To win their confidence, you must make it very clear that you’re not going to diminish them in any way. You don’t have to give the secret agent anything positive, but you do have to reassure them that you don’t have anything negative in mind, like taking over their territory. Secret agents don’t talk enough. Their natural tendency is to withhold information so that their possession of it can maximize their own sense of self-importance. The goal of rapport-building here is to draw them out by asking as many questions as possible.
The eager-beavers are usually new to the organization. They can’t wait to absorb the company culture, to go out to lunch with everybody, to work hard and get ahead. They may have lots of energy, but nobody, or almost nobody, remains an eager-beaver forever. If you handle them poorly, high-energy eager-beavers can quickly fall apart. They can go from being extremely helpful and efficient to being almost non-functional. Since they’re not able to put on the brakes by themselves, you have to help them do it. Above all, don’t just assume that they know what they’re doing. Don’t let them bun themselves out, because if that happens they can really do a lot of damage to themselves, and perhaps to you as well. Rapport building with eager heavers is a matter of helping them pace themselves.
Burn-outs are frequently encountered in a corporate environment. Very often these seemingly depressed individuals have some valuable knowledge and abilities. At the very least, they can give you insights on the corporate culture, if you’re able to rehabilitate someone who has more of less given up on him- or herself. Keep criticism to a minimum, because they’ll simply agree with you if you criticize them. Be supportive. Express gratitude. Pat them on the back. The greatest gift you can give them is the gift of hope. Reward even the slightest positive action.
Learning how to inter-relate with others is foundational to what we teach at our music school in Odessa, Texas. Finding the good in others and augmenting it through development is a positive way to approach every relationship.