The following contains excerpts from the book, The 5 Essential People Skills (Dale Carnegie Training)
At our music school in Odessa, Texas we believe that music is more than sound, rather, it is relationships. Learning how to inter-relate with others is foundational to life, as well as the pursuit of studying music and the arts. Learning how to play in musical ensembles has deep immersive implications as to how we learn to deal with others, and can have life-changing benefits.
This book was primarily written from the standpoint of how to operate in a ‘workplace’ environment, and therefore is more from a ‘secular’ standpoint, but good leadership principles are shared, particularly in dealing with inter-personal relationships. As the authors wrote in their preface, quoting Dale Carnegie, “No matter what your line of work, even if it’s in one of the technical professions, your degree of success depends on your ability to interact effectively with other people.” The five essential people skills listed in the book are: 1) Rapport-building, 2) Curiosity, 3) Communication, 4) Ambition, and 5) Conflict resolution.
#5 Conflict Resolution
When dealing with music and the arts, because people are expressing their inner-most thoughts and feelings in a vulnerable way, there is a tendency for emotions to run high. At our music school in Odessa, Texas we encourage open and honest communication to ensure transparency and integrity in all of our relationships.
In looking at any conflict situation, a good place to start is by identifying the variables. These are the places where there’s a real possibility for change or adjustment. Some elements in the conflict are always amenable to change, and these are your own thoughts, feelings, and responses. Even when the other side in a conflict seems totally unwilling to change, you can still exert a positive influence.
First, make an honest assessment of the power balance in the specific situation. In business argument, you may be shocked to realize how little personal feelings mean when push comes to shove.
If you do find yourself in conflict, think of how small children behave when they’re arguing in the sandbox, and don’t act like that! Don’t call people names. Don’t point fingers. Don’t try to paint yourself as completely blameless at the expense of the other party.
Another key point: Keep the focus on the present or the future. Don’t’ get hung up on the past. Instead of talking about the past, emphasize what you can contribute now and in the future, provided this conflict is brought to a satisfactory end. This is your real bargaining chip. This is how you can show that it’s in everyone’s best interest if your needs are met. On the other hand, if you can’t present yourself as a valuable asset to the future of the organization, your position is greatly weakened.
At our music school in Odessa, Texas, regardless of the nature of the conflict we always believe that there is a positive future.
If you fail to be gracious at the end of a conflict in a business setting, you may not turn the other party into a fascist dictator, but you’ll almost certainly come to regret your behavior.
90 percent of a human interaction takes place through nonverbal communication. This includes facial expressions, gestures, and body language in general. It can also include your choice of clothing, what you order for lunch, or whether you’re late or early for a meeting.
People tend to react more to what we thing someone means than what they meant to say or actually say. This is especially true in conflict situations.
When you match or mirror the postures, gestures, and tone of voice of the other party, their brain receives some very reassuring signals. The message that your mirroring language suggests is, “Hey, this person is just like me.”
Following are techniques for putting people at ease:
- Keep yourself in sync by making sure that your body language, your words, and your tone of voice all match.
- When you’re speaking forcefully with another person, maintain eye contact without staring or glaring, and don’t forget to blink.
- Assess the atmosphere and spirit of the interaction, and match the other person’s energy. Stand, walk, or sit just as they do.
- Make an effort to sound positive and enthusiastic, even if the discussion gets heated. People are always influenced by positive energy.
- If you know you’re going to have a meeting in which conflict may arise, make sure you’re dressed appropriately. Even before you say anything, wearing the wrong clothes can be extremely insulting. On the other hand, you can again use the mirroring principle simply by dressing as the situation requires.
- Pay special attention to the importance of the handshake. In general, a firm handshake is an especially assertive sign, and it is a significant gesture when sealing deals and resolving conflict.
- After any meeting in which conflict has surfaced, it’s a very good idea to write by hand a brief and sincere note to the other party in a positive and conciliatory tone. Do this win, lose, or draw. A note like this in not just a communication. It’s actually a gift, and when you give someone a gift, they tend to respond in kind.
Above all, remember that conflict resolution is mostly based on intention. You know in your heart when you’re ready to stop fighting. By the same token, be alert for signs in the other party that they’re ready to move in the direction of resolution. Often these signs are very small and subtle, but don’t ignore them. Assertive conflict resolution means picking up on any positive sign and making the most of it.
An effective negotiation can be a highly positive experience both personally and professionally. The key from the outset is to identify the conflict and manage it rather than letting it spin out of control. In that way, the path can be made clear for a negotiated solution. Commit to and hold a positive attitude about negotiating. In itself, your commitment is an assertive people skill, and it should be the strong foundation of your approach to conflict resolution.
In every relationship, there is at least one percent where agreement can be found. At our music school in Odessa, Texas, we endeavor to always emphasize areas of agreement rather than areas of division.
In short, you need to aim for an all-win outcome. The magic of a good negotiation is creating a “win-win” situation even if it looks like a “win-lose.” The truth is, almost all negotiations have at least some elements of win-win. The trick is to find them. As a leader, try to refrain from viewing negotiation as a competitive endeavor in which you have to make a killing in order to emerge the ‘winner’. Autocratic leaders don’t realize the extent to which they may be antagonizing others. Even when the tasks they assign are complete, they may be carried out improperly or inefficiently. This is the phenomenon known as ‘malicious obedience.’
We never want to take the mindset of an assertive leader at our music school in Odessa, Texas. Rather, we want to encourage each student to become autonomous in their capacity for learning and ongoing development.
It is also important not to be an ‘accommodating personality, in which you don’t negotiate at all and end up sabotaging your own interests. Since negotiation implies conflict, it’s critical for people of this temperament to force a certain amount of compromise.
A positive mind-set means seeing what is positive in the other person and in the situation as a whole, and maximizing that positive element.
To negotiate well, you must prepare to use a variety of approaches depending on who’s on the other side of the table. The key word here is prepare. You need to prepare by knowing what you want and what the other person wants. Prepare for the other person’s potentially abrasive or submissive behavior. And prepare to take responsibility for turning those elements into a win-win resolution.
Most important, be clear about your real goals and real issues, and try honestly to identify the other person’s real needs. Many negotiations fail because people are primarily worried about being taken advantage of. They lose sight of the authentic issues. They’re more concerned about whether the other side won or might have taken even a step in the direction of winning.
You need to make a distinction between your real wants and needs and those that are just serving some superficial intention. Or, to put it another way, are there any situations in which you would walk way! If there aren’t, there should be, because in any serious negotiation you must be prepared to break off if you see that your real needs can’t be met. In fact, one goal of assertive negotiation could be to come as close to the other person’s walkaway as you can.
Don’t go to the bargaining table with a gloomy attitude, and don’t let the other party do that either. It’s not easy, but look at this as a test of your assertiveness and your people skills. By doing so, you’ll open up the possibility for a better outcome at a later date. In a walkaway situation, it is critical to address future possibilities, not current problems, and definitely not personalities. Resist the temptation to attack anyone personally.
In cultivating some of the intangibles in negotiation, realize that subtle verbal and body language can make a difference in how the negotiation progresses. Spend more time listening than talking and make direct eye contact. Use the word ‘and’ instead of ‘but’. Using ‘but’ discounts everything that was said previously, whereas using ‘and’ sends the message that you’re interested in the other party and are seeking common ground.
More importantly, be very careful about using the phone, email, and other nonvisual communication vehicles. A lack of facial expressions, vocal intonation, and other face-to-face cues can result in huge misunderstandings.
Always be aware of time-pressure as well. Every step in conflict resolution should have a “what by when” time frame attached to it.
Roger Fisher, former Harvard professor and coauthor of one of the best-selling negotiation books of all time, “Getting to Yes”, said, “Be unconditionally constructive. Approach conflict with this attitude: ‘I accept you as an equal negotiating partner; I respect your right to differ; I will be receptive.’ Some criticize my approach as being too soft. But negotiating by these principles are a sign of strength.”
Finally, have unlimited patience. Never corner other people, and always assist them in saving face. In order to see through other people’s eyes, put yourself in their shoes. Avoid self-righteousness. And above all, take action. Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer the negative elements in your life, don’t sit a home and think about it. Go out and get busy!
The role music and the arts play in society, along these lines, should not be underestimated. When people learn to make music together through personal discipline, awareness of their colleagues, and the process of learning to play together in ensemble, the intrinsic life-skills they are gaining develop them to navigate interpersonal relationships successfully. At our music school in Odessa, Texas we see this potential for development in each student, and are eager to watch them grow both artistically, as well as becoming mature leaders in our society.