The following contains excerpts from the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie).
At our music school in Odessa, Texas we believe that making music is about relationships.
One of the most important skills a student in our music school in Odessa, Texas can learn is how to interface successfully with their community, influencing and being influenced by those relationships. The following thoughts are time-tested and will provide invaluable to the student with a listening ear.
Perhaps the most famous book by the most renowned author on the subject of Leadership within the past century, this book offers concise wisdom in time-tested principles in how to deal successfully with people.
The book is divided into four parts, 1) Fundamental Techniques in Handling People, 2) Six Ways to Make People Like You, 3) How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, and 4) How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can do the following:
- Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven’t considered, we can be thankful it’s brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.
- Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.
- Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.
- Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.
- Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.
- Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over our opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking the time to argue with us, they’re interested in the same things we are.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.
Principle 2- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’ If you are going to prove anything, don’t’ let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel you are doing it. Instead of starting with “You’re wrong,” what if we were to say, “Well now, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. If I am wrong, I want to know why. Let’s examine the facts.”
The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude. It also inspires our opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as we are. In fact, it’s really not the ideas themselves that are so important to us, but our self-esteem, which is threatened when we are told that we’re wrong. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities.
At our music school in Odessa, Texas, we understand that as artists, we have strong opinions about various aspects of our art, but we encourage students to be open to new ways of thinking and to embrace unique viewpoints from others.
Principle 3- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. If we know we’re going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. Next time you find yourself in the wrong, challenge yourself to be the first to point it out. If you messed up on a work project, approach your boss about it, or bring it up next time you meet with him. By conveying that you not only acknowledge your mistakes but also that you’ve thought about how to avoid making similar mistakes down the line, you show your boss that you are responsible, honest, and diligent, and he is far more likely to dismiss the issue and continue to trust you.
Principle 4- Begin in a friendly way. If we’re angry or frustrated at someone and we go to them with our temper flaring, we’re sure to have a fine time unloading our feelings toward them. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us? When a person feels negatively about us, we can’t win him to our way of thinking with all the logic in the world. We can’t force someone to agree with us, but we can lead them in that direction if we are gentle and friendly with them. Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.
Influencing others is part of the world of the artist, and at our music school in Odessa, Texas, we encourage our students to understand the value of connecting with their audience through empathy and sincerity.
Principle 5- Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately. When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. We should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we’re both striving for the same result – our differences are in method, but not purpose. The key is to keep our opponent from saying “no,” as this is a very difficult sentiment to overcome. As soon as someone says “no,” all of her pride rests upon her being consistent with that “no.” When a person says “no,” he immediately withdraws himself and guards against acceptance. What we want to do instead is get the person saying “yes” as soon as possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open attitude. Socrates has become very famous for the “Socratic method,” by which one asks another person questions with which they have to agree. Socrates kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 6- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Most people who try to get others to agree with their perspective do too much of the talking. Instead, let the other people talk themselves out. They know their problems better than we do. Let’s ask them questions and let them tell us a few things.
We are often tempted to interrupt someone when we disagree with them. But we shouldn’t interrupt – it’s very dangerous. They won’t pay attention to our thoughts while they still have a number of their own to express. We must listen patiently and with an open mind, and be sincere in encouraging them to share their ideas fully.
We hope to teach students in our music school in Odessa, Texas the art of listening intentionally, which is as valuable a skill in music as it is in life.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” (La Rochefoucauld)
Principle 7- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. No one likes to feel like they’re being told what to do. We much prefer to think independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about what we think and what we want. So how can we use this to our advantage? When we’re trying to win someone to our way of thinking, we can guide them there – get them halfway or so – and then step back and let them see the idea through to completion. If we’re truly only after the results, why care about the credit? Why not let someone else take the spotlight.
Principle 8- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think they are. Don’t condemn them; try to understand them. There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. If we ask ourselves, “how would I feel or react if I were in his shoes?” we’ll save ourselves a lot of time and frustration, because we’ll better understand his perspective. Success in dealing with people relies on being able to have a clear grasp of the other person’s viewpoint. Accept the other person’s viewpoint. Determine what you say by what you’d want to hear if you were the listener. These skills will take time to develop, but will help you avoid conflict and get better results.
Principle 9- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. We can say, “I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way.” The great thing about this phrase is that we can say it and be 100% sincere, because if we were the other person, faced with his situation, problems, needs, desires, etc., we would indeed see things just as he does. Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view. Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.
Principle 10- Appeal to the nobler motives. People usually have two reasons for doing things – one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don’t need to point it out. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. In order to change people, we must appeal to the nobler motives. Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair. When you’re trying to convince someone to do something, start by thinking of a few positive traits that that person tries hard to embody (or conversely, would be ashamed to be told he does not have).
Principle 11- Dramatize your ideas. To be effective in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it’s not enough to merely state a truth. If we truly want someone’s attention, we have to present that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way. Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. When you’re designing your next meeting presentation or sales pitch, think of some ways to engage other senses or appeal to deeper concerns. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message?
Principle 12- Throw down a challenge. Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition – everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.
When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a challenge. Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, did a study of the work attitudes of thousands of people, ranging from factory workers to senior executives. He discovered that the one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting or interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it. This is what every successful person loves: the game. We seek a chance for self-expression, a chance to prove our worth, to excel, to win. When all else fails in motivating your employees or your children to do something, turn it into a game! Offer a reward to bring in the most revenue for the month.
At our music school in Odessa, Texas we believe in our students, and encourage them to reach their potential by giving them challenges that may exceed what they believe they are capable of, yet with patience and encouragement, can rise to the high bar set for them.