The following contains excerpts from the book, When Work & Family Collide (A. Stanley).
Understanding balance and priorities is essential in leadership and relationships. At our music school in Midland, Texas we believe that music is more than sound, it is relationships, and that relationships matter in life.
This book encapsulates the author’s thoughts about the proper balance and priority structure that should exist between work and family. The main thesis is that most people treat their job as if they are indispensable, praying for God to make up the difference in the lives of their family members. The author points out that people are always replaceable in their jobs, but no one can take their place at home. He suggests reversing the ideology, in which the individual’s highest priority becomes the home, trusting God to make up the difference at the workplace.
“For almost everyone, the word cheating has negative connotations…try thinking of it as simply choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value…Simply put, you must choose to cheat at work rather than at home.”
“So let me take some pressure off. Your problem is not discipline. Your problem is not organization. Your problem is not that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule. And your problem is not that the folks at home demand too much of your time. The problem is this: there’s not enough time to get everything done that you’re convinced- or other have convinced you- needs to get done.”
“The collision between work and family is inevitable…Before sin, before the fall of man, before the curse, there was work. God made man and placed him in the garden to work…Before there was even a family to support, God put Adam to work. It was part of his original plan…Whereas work is task focused, the family is relationship focused. One is about doing, while the other is about loving…Work is about doing. Family is about being…You can’t ‘fix’ your family. You can’t ‘fix’ your marriage. You can’t ‘fix’ your kids. Family requires an entirely different set of tools and standards of evaluation. You do your job. You love your family. It’s when we reverse the order that the tension escalates and the tug of war begins.”
“Contentment is found neither in the marketplace nor the family alone. It’s found when we align our priorities with his (God’s) as it relates to both areas of responsibility. There’s nothing honoring to God about the workaholic who neglects his or her family. But the man or woman who refuses to provide for the family brings no honor to him either.”
At our music school in Midland, Texas we accept students of all creeds; however, we encourage the reader to gain insight into Biblical examples to help make life-decisions.
Stanley uses the biblical story of Daniel choosing to honor the Hebrew diet, instead of partaking of the Babylonian king’s table. “Daniel’s choice of diet was an indication of where he placed his loyalty…Ours is tested by what we put on our calendars. Where you spend your time is an indication of where your loyalties lie. In effect, you pledge your allegiance to the person or thing that receives your time.”
“There would have been no ‘now God’ moment for Daniel had he not made up his mind and charged ahead. There’ll be no ‘now God’ moment for you, either, until you place your loyalty were it belongs and give him an opportunity to intervene on your behalf.”
“Eliminating options is part of what makes this process so painful. Giving up good things for the sake of what’s best is not easy, even when we’re convinced it’s right.”
“So what’s non-negotiable? What does it look like?…Let’s start with this question: What change would your spouse most like you to make in regard to your schedule?”
“I’d seen mature Christian men and women fall into the trap of over-investing at work for the sake of a big payoff down the read. Furthermore, I’d seen way too many pastors sacrifice their families under the guise of doing ‘the Lord’s work’…The other advantage I had was growing up in the home of a successful pastor who made his family a priority. My dad was home for dinner. He never missed a basketball game…We took long family vacations. In fact, when we were on vacation, we never, and I mean never, even went to church! I could walk into his office at any moment unannounced and be warmly welcomed…I never felt like I was competing with the church for his time. Family was clearly his priority.”
“I feel so strongly about this principle that I encourage our staff to follow this principle…to follow suit. ‘Cheat at work,’ I tell ‘em. ‘Cheat me. But don’t’ you dare cheat at home.”
“The things that will make or break you professionally are not related to the number of hours you work. A sixty-hour workweek doesn’t guarantee you more success than a forty-five hour workweek…When successful men and women reminisce, their defining moments professionally are never related to how many hours they worked. And I’ve never heard of a business failure attributed to a work schedule. Success is always related to good decisions, unexpected opportunities, market conditions, and a host of other things that nobody really had any control over.”
“But the opposite is true in family life. Happily married couples never attribute their success to unexpected opportunities, market conditions, luck, or good timing. You’ve never met a healthy family who chalked up their success to being in the right place at the right time. With family, success is always related to time. In the world of family, you have far more control over the things that really make a difference. This is why it makes so much sense to entrust our careers to our heavenly Father.”
At our music school in Midland, Texas we understand the value of balance in life and consider the study of music beneficial for the entire family and even the community, at large. Music fosters relationships and community better than almost any other endeavor.
In finding a way forward, the author cautions, “The operative word throughout this book has been choosing, not reacting…’Cheating’ at work in the way we’ve been discussing is simply about reallocating your limited time assets according to your predetermined priorities. It has nothing to do with defrauding your employer of deceiving your employer.”
“Daniel did three things: 1) He asked for permission to change his work conditions. 2) He listened to the objections from his supervisor. 3) He proposed a test that took into account his supervisor’s concerns….His overseer’s primary concern was performance, not diet. That’s your employer’s primary concern as well. The real issue is not the number of hours we spend in the office; it’s productivity that matters…Odds are, your performance will improve…What’s initially viewed as a self-serving concession that benefits only you may, in fact, turn out to benefit the entire company.”
In Daniel’s case, “The text…indicates that something divine happened.”
“Through the years I’ve challenged hundreds of men and women to follow Daniels’s example. Again and again those who have taken me up on the challenge come back with remarkable stories to tell. Stories that often border on the supernatural; events that hint of divine intervention:
‘I get more work done in less time.’
‘An opportunity dropped in my lap out of nowhere.’
‘A deal I assumed was dead suddenly sprang back to life.’
‘I have more business than I can keep up with.’
“And that’s just on the business side. On the domestic front, things are always better as well. Men, especially, talk about how much more they enjoy going home.”
Music is one of the intangibles of life. How can you measure beauty? Can you assess the value of emotional release that comes when you are touched by a beautiful melody? At our music school in Midland, Texas we augment the value of the intangibles of life, and consider our part in helping foster these in people’s lives an honor.
“Jesus summarized it this way: ‘Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matt. 6:33)”
“In other words, order your world around your heavenly Father’s priorities and then trust him to fill the gaps created by your faithfulness. Instead of asking God to stand watch over your family while you give to your career what belongs at home, turn the prayer around. Go home, seek him first, and ask him to bless things at work. In time you’ll discover that when you prioritize correctly at work and home, God will honor you in both arenas. Everybody wins.”
The author gives an example of men who ‘cheated home’ to honor their employer. “The men who stayed with him all those years received big checks. But most of them had lost their families along the way. A couple of them declared bankruptcy a few years after they received their compensation. The owner of the company paid a price relationally as well. His children are grown and gone. His interaction with them is infrequent and superficial.”
One of the most important life-lessons students will learn at our music school in Midland, Texas is how to successfully prioritize. Focusing on core competencies of music training allows the student to be successful in learning any piece of music. The same is true in life. When we focus on things that are foundational to life, we call them basics, then all of life tends to fall into place. It starts with prioritizing the foundational elements of life.
“Nobody retires from his or her family to spend his or her final days in the office…I’ve seen too many men and women cheat their families only to find that the companies they worked for weren’t nearly as loyal to them as they were to the companies. Loyalty in the marketplace is rarely reciprocated. It’s sad when men or women are forced out of organizations they bled for to return home to the families they’ve neglected.”
“Why give your ultimate loyalty to an organization where your value is conditional upon your ability to perform? Why betray those whose loyalty is unconditional? Why devote so much of yourself to something you know you’ll leave, and so little time to those you’ll eventually come home to?”
We want students at our music school in Midland, Texas to know that we value their whole lives, not just the musical part. In fact, we believe that studying and becoming successful at music can greatly benefit every subsequent decision one will make in their life-journey.