The following contains excerpts from the book, The 5 Essential People Skills (Dale Carnegie Training)
At our music school in Odessa, Texas we believe that music is more than sound, rather, it is relationships. Learning how to inter-relate with others is foundational to life, as well as the pursuit of studying music and the arts. Learning how to play in musical ensembles has deep immersive implications as to how we learn to deal with others, and can have life-changing benefits.
This book was primarily written from the standpoint of how to operate in a ‘workplace’ environment, and therefore is more from a ‘secular’ standpoint, but good leadership principles are shared, particularly in dealing with inter-personal relationships. As the authors wrote in their preface, quoting Dale Carnegie, “No matter what your line of work, even if it’s in one of the technical professions, your degree of success depends on your ability to interact effectively with other people.” The five essential people skills listed in the book are: 1) Rapport-building, 2) Curiosity, 3) Communication, 4) Ambition, and 5) Conflict resolution.
#3 Communication
Here are some cardinal rules of communication:
- Call people by name.
- Admit when you’re wrong.
- Hold people to high standards. Trust the abilities of others. In fact, trust them to do the best job possible. It’s not about having excessively high expectations. Believing in a person encourages him to do his best not to disappoint. At the same time, be patient with those still getting a handle on a new task.
- Show sincere interest.
- Offer praise. Be specific.
- Keep your word.
- Show your gratitude.
- Be considerate.
- Give of yourself. Step out of your job description once in a while and help other with their tasks.
- Be humble. Your achievements will gain genuine approval if you let people discover them instead of flashing it in their faces.
- Help others to save face.
We endeavor to adhere to these principles with students at our music school in Odessa, Texas, and encourage them to do the same.
The goal of proper communication is in making yourself clear by being frank with what you need and when you need it. It’s also important to remember to create a paper trail.
When dealing with conflicts, it is important to:
- Stay calm.
- Encourage communication.
- Focus on a win-win outcome.
- Set the ground-rules.
- Respond, don’t react.
Remember to always give the other person an opening for an honorable retreat.
Persuasion is a very specific people skill. Basically, it’s getting people onto your side of the fence without the use of force or intimidation. It’s convincing others to internalize your argument, then embrace it as a part of their own belief system. In order to do this, you have to convince people of a need they may not be aware they had.
One of the best methods of teaching we use in our music school in Odessa, Texas is to help the student ask their own questions and pursue answering them in a way that gives them unique insight, on a personal level, instead of forcing them to accept an idea by fiat.
As components of this skill, three factors are especially powerful:
Authority. People want to feel that you come from a position of legitimate power.
- Emotion. While numbers have their place and should never be ignored entirely, an appeal to emotions can prove especially effective.
- Reason. Linked with emotion, reason and logic convey the impression of authority, if only because you will appear to be extremely well prepared.
The art of persuasion can be described in terms of a logical, step-by-step progression.
- Build trust.
- Find common ground
- Structure your information.
- Show both sides.
- Appeal to self-interest. You need to know what your audience’s needs are.
- Appeal to authority. If an expert says something, it must be true. So use them in your talk.
- Create consensus. Most people are influenced by what others are doing.
- Tme your request. Learn to gauge the general mood and how receptive people will be to you. Look for periods of general confidence and high morale.
- Be original. The more scarce something is, the higher its price. Make yourself or your ideas seem unique or rare, and people will listen more.
- Be interesting. Use lots of visual and audio aids.
- Be reasonable. Logic is highly valued in business. Use an “if…then” argument. “If you do this, then good things will happen.”
- Be diplomatic. You must treat your audience as you would like to be treated. Speak in a proper tone; don’t yell or talk down to them. Don’t make them feel foolish for thinking differently from you. you want to reason with people, not argue with them.
- Be humble. If you come across as arrogant, people will stop listening.
- Use persuasion sparingly. The less you use, the more you’ve got. Learn how to use your powers of persuasion well and at the appropriate moments.
The bond of trust given to teachers at our music school in Odessa, Texas is highly valued and honored by each teacher, and we do everything in our power to protect that trust.
Body language is a non-verbal means of persuasiveness. Studies have concluded that in face-to-face communications, spoken words typically account for 7 percent of the received meaning. Tone of voice accounts for 38 percent, and body language is responsible for 55 percent. In short, the receiver is most likely to respond to either tone of voice or body language- not to the actual words used.
Regarding body-language, following are a few things to be wary of:
- Avoiding eye contact: This says you lack confidence and are nervous and unprepared. You should spend 90 percent or more of any conversation looking into the eyes of your listeners.
- Poor posture: Slouching says that you lack confidence and authority.
- Fidgeting or rigidity: Rocking back and forth or scratching yourself makes you look nervous, unsure, or unprepared.
- Unconvincing gestures: Gestures are fine; just don’t overdo it. Researchers have shown that gesturing reflects complex thought. Gestures leave listeners with the perception of confidence, competence, and control. But the minute you try to copy a hand gesture, you risk looking contrived, like a bad politician.
When maintaining normal eye contact, each person looks into the other’s eyes and then away again. The speaker checks in visually with the listener, and the listener confirms understanding through meeting the speaker’s eyes. This process cycles every few seconds throughout the duration of the conversation. In the United States, avoiding eye contact sends the message that you are uncomfortable, perhaps because you have something to hide. You may be perceived as rude, unfriendly, or even arrogant. Depending on the circumstances, you may appear to be submissive or over-dominant. Generally, a lack of eye contact when someone is speaking communicates submission, while avoiding eye contact when questioned indicates deceit.
Mirroring is a good technique that is effective for communication with anyone. In mirroring, you actively pay attention to someone else’s behavior and adjust yours to achieve similarity.
Asking questions are a powerful way of:
- Learning.
- Relationship building.
- Managing.
- Avoiding misunderstanding.
- Calming conflict.
- Persuading people.
Skillful questioning needs to be matched by careful listening so that you understand what people really mean with their answers.
Perhaps one of the most important life-skills that is learned at our music school in Odessa, Texas is to learn to listen attentively. This holds tremendous value in music as well as in all relationships.
When communicating, research has shown that there are five main tools that your conversation should have to be most effective:
- Stick to the facts.
- Share the feelings that the facts elicit within you.
- Share what you are experiencing. What interpretations, wants, needs, memories, or anticipations of yours support those feelings?
- Define what you want. What action, information, or commitment do you want now?
- Include a Benefit-oriented conclusion. Finally, always include a benefit-oriented conclusion with an y suggestion you might make.
As a leader, you should assume that people have something to question or add to what you’ve told them. If those opinions are not made available to you, you should likewise assume that you have not successfully completed the conversation.
If, in your judgment, a conversation has dealt with substantial issues, take the time to make a written record of what transpired and email it to the appropriate parties. Surprisingly, this is almost more important for encounters that take place at the water cooler than for full-blown meetings in a conference room. Sometimes very important decisions are made spontaneously and with little fanfare. New ideas can be introduce. Seeds can be plated that, if handled correctly, can develop into important projects. Writing an email message in this context is one of the best uses of the new information technologies.
Regarding meetings, the first question is always, Who should attend? Be strict! A meeting loses its effectiveness if too many people are involved. You should designate a time for the end of the meeting so that everyone can plan the rest of the day with confidence. The purpose of the meeting should be sufficiently precise that it can be summarized in a brief heading at the top of the printed agenda. If you and your team members can’t share ideas in a proactive and supportive manner, noting else really matters. Failure to communicate spells doom for any shared enterprise. On the other hand, literally anything is possible when people are able to work together.
Listening is an art, a skill, and a discipline, and like other skills, it needs self-control. Without question, listening is an absolutely essential people skill. Research shows that most people spend 70 percent of their waking hours interacting with other human beings in some way, and 45 percent of that time is spent listening. A conversation works in basically the same way as traffic rules, although the stop signs and traffic signals are a little subtler. There are moments when it’s your turn to listen and times when it’s your turn to speak. Just as certain intersections can be complex and congested, conversations involving several people can require greater awareness on everyone’s part.
Once again, however, there is the problem of people who don’t’ obey the rules. There are conversational speeders, whose verbal rpm are always in overdrive. There are people who talk so slowly and softly that listening to them is like being stuck behind and old former in a pick-up truck on a two-lane country road. Then there are the really dangerous conversationalists, who seem determined to cause accidents through rudeness and insensitivity. Just as you may drive a bit above the speed limit, there’s also a high probability that you’re more focused on talking that listening. To become an assertive listener, you first need to become aware of that tendency, and then you need to change it.
Assertive, empathetic listening shows that you care and understand other people. When they sense this on your part, they’ll naturally feel more comfortable and confident in their communication with you.
Conversation barriers to avoid:
First, avoid constantly comparing yourself to the speaker. Most people’s minds are full of “Am I smarter than this person?” “Have I had a rougher life than this person?” or, especially, “I can’t wait for this guy to stop talking so that I can tell an anecdote of my own- which is much more important than what I am hearing.” This is the impulse to immediately top the other person’s story. Zig Zigglar calls this “playing topper.”
A second barrier involves trying to read the mind of the person talking, as opposed to listening to what he’s saying.
The third obstacle to listening assertively is called filtering. Basically, it means perking up your ears when you hear something that interests you or that you agree with and shutting down your attention to the rest.
Beyond these, lots of people are judgmental: They decide a statement is ‘crazy’, ‘boring’, ‘immature’, or ‘hostile’, even before it’s completed. Assertive listening demands that we take off our judicial robes, at least for the duration of the conversation. Don’t assume that you’ve heard everything you need to know. In fact, assume the opposite.
As you become more skilled at listening, you’ll often be able to understand what people are thinking and feeling sometimes before they themselves know it. In fact, you can help them to gain that level of insight through the questions you ask. More often than not, they’ll appreciate your feedback and will embrace your interpretation and analysis. As an assertive listener, you’ll know exactly when to present your ideas in this way. Genuinely assertive listeners can often share insights that are not only useful but positively life transforming.
To make the person you are listening to feel more comfortable, the following things are useful tools:
- Paraphrasing is a good way to show the speaker that you’ve really listened.
- Give the speaker feedback. Feedback is simply telling the speaker your reaction to what you’ve heard. Make is clear that this feedback is based on your understanding of what has been said.
- Be aware of body language. Up to 90 percent of interpersonal communication is visual. You’re receiving not only words but also information through posture and what’s called social distance (how close the other person is standing to you, and whether he is looking toward you or away from you). Most often body language prevails over words. Position yourself in a way that suggests empathy, openness, and attention. Nod your head occasionally as you listen, and maintain appropriate eye contact to show interest.
- Mirroring the speaker is a way of making them feel comfortable.
- In any case, sincerity is the most crucial element in all human communication, whether as a speaker or a listener.
In general, our society doesn’t teach assertive listening skills. We usually operate on a confrontational model of debate and reasoned argument, rather than on a model of listening carefully to everyone and arriving at mutual understanding and respect. Our paradigm is “the best idea will win,” not “everyone has something to contribute to the best solution- which has probably not yet been thought of.” It’s important to note that both the confrontational model and that of assertive listening are searches for truth. They’re simply different approaches. In terms of people skills, though, the combative approach will invariably leave someone behind and may well sow seeds for future conflict.
In this sense, assertive listening can be not only a peace-making process but a peacekeeping process as well. It’s been said that “an adversary is someone whose story we haven’t heard yet.” Once you truly hear someone else’s experience and understand their fears and aspiration, you will be unable to consider that personas anything by an ally.
Along with learning to listen, at our music school in Odessa, Texas, we place an emphasis on learning to play in ensembles. This is like three-dimensional listening which teaches the student to listen on multiple levels: first to themselves, then to their immediate colleagues, and finally to the overall musical production of the group. This kind of awareness extends in life-relationships and is highly valuable in learning teamwork.